This was originally posted on my previous blog site on the 7th of November 2020.

There are many things that can cause issue with my mental health. My physical health is a huge component of this. Today, has been a hard one. I began my day as normal. I got out of bed and took my medication, packed my bag, and headed to work. It was only once I got to work, that things began to go downhill. Sleep, dreams and the conscious acknowledgement of them is something I haven't really looked at before. It is rare that I have no recollection of my dreams. Usually, it is for the better as I have some very random, nonsensical dreams. There is little point in remembering these as opposed to those with some sense of coherence or entertainment value. In this case, however, this worked out to be for the worse.

This morning, my stomach began to hurt. Badly. It was affecting my concentration and I was worried that the gastritis was flaring up. If that happened while I was at work on my own, I didn't know what I would do. I carried on as if things were going to be ok. As if this pain was just the normal amount. I took painkillers and tried to get back on the right track and focus on my work. It was working for a while but then the panic set in. Suddenly, I was reliving this horrible, repetitive nightmare. The same one I have unknowingly been having for a while now. It is one which shook me. My worst health fears making themselves known. I will not share the details, but you get the idea. My chest was tight, and I was supposed to open the store soon. I was ready to open, except, I was not exactly coping. I did the only thing I thought might help. I called my housemate and colleague and he came in to take over if I wasn't ok. Having a backup plan was the push I needed to push through what I was feeling. This is one of the only times where I have been thankful for lockdown. The lack of footfall gave me the time and the space to breathe and gather my wits. It wasn't good in that a lack of footfall causes a reduction of hours for the staff to work but for now it was exactly what I needed.

For the last year, I have been struggling with my stomach. At first, they suspected that I had a stomach ulcer and so they gave me a very high dose of Omperazole. I have been taking this medication ever since. For a while, it did help, but now I have been taking it and it has been getting less effective. I'm waiting and waiting for the date for my endoscopy to see the extent of the damage. Hopefully, once we know exactly what the damage is, I can begin to move forward and get help from my doctors to recover and live a normal life again. The original damage was caused by use of NSAIDs (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs) to combat the pain and inflammation caused by my injuries sustained by getting knocked off of my bicycle. What I didn't know at the time was the damage it was doing to my stomach.

It was only after I was seen for my stomach pains, constant heartburn and indigestion that I found out that I should have been given medication to go with the Naproxen in order to protect my stomach. By that point, it was too late to try and claim any compensation. I had been so focussed on my other health problems and my education that the damage had gone unnoticed. 

Now, as my symptoms get worse, and my referral still doesn't come in my anxiety does occasionally get the best of me. For now, it means that I am tired. I am strong and have demonstrated a great deal of mental fortitude in the past. However, fortitude can only get you so far. It is vital that both the mind and body get adequate rest and recuperation. I am trying to build in time for this now, but it is still tough. It, like everything will take time. Hopefully, this lockdown will provide me with the opportunity to rest. I have my responsibilities and so I will continue to work where I am needed. Eventually I trust that I will make a full recovery with the help of my doctors. Once I reach the top of the waiting list, this is very much a possibility. For now, I must be patient and keep on doing the best that I can.