Originally posted 22nd November 2020

This week, I gave writing my own bucket list a go. I surprised myself with this list because it was different to those I have written in the past. When considering a bucket list, most people begin to write down things that they want to do before they die. They treat it as a list of adventures to go on such as going skydiving, bungee jumping, bull riding, etc. When I wrote my list, I realised that I had not looked at it that way.  I was writing my list with a perspective considering the question "If I was old and on my death bed. What would I want to look back and see in my life that would have made it a good life?" 

For me, this list contained a distinct lack of material things, except for owning my own house. Most of my aims were relationship based, or were based on self-development milestones, or dreams I've held since I was a child. These were things like: write a novel and try to get it published, marry a person who makes me happy and helps me be a better person, have children who I love and nurture unconditionally. These kinds of things are concrete but also very subjective. I cannot necessarily check them off as they are not singular instances (except for the novel, of course). Marrying someone who makes you happy is not something you can check off with permanent marker, because there may come a time when the two of you are no longer able to work together to maintain that happiness. Whereas, if you go scuba diving, or fly a plane you can say I have done that; and that cannot change.

I believe that, if one aims to be happy and quantifies their happiness with material things then they will end up disappointed. That is something I have come to learn through experience in my own life. I thought that if I completed my degree, I would be happy because I had accomplished something that no-one else had done in my family ever before. When I arrived at that goalpost, I was not magically happy. So, I pushed the goalpost and I completed my Master's degree. These are things that have been on my bucket list, but they did not provide intrinsic happiness. I have had to overhaul my way of thinking and address all the things I had been struggling with, in order to progress towards that illusive thing called happiness. 

Happiness is a state of being, not something that you can claim, it is not a goal. You can work towards it by improving your circumstances, the environment you live in and your relationships. As Eleanor Roosevelt put it "Happiness is not a goal... it is a by-product of a life well lived." By changing the things about your life that make you unhappy you can alleviate the intensity of the desire to be happy and relax into the state of happiness. Happiness is something that happens more often when you stop trying to make it happen. At this point, I am the happiest I have been in a very long time. For too long, I focussed on what I had to do, and was put under so much pressure from my own expectations of what I had to do with my life to be successful. I was pursuing a dream of mine in the wrong way. I was sweeping my needs, both mentally and physically, under the rug. For a while, that was the best I could do and that is okay. Now, I am working to be more in tune with my mental, emotional, and physical needs whilst still pushing myself to work at the things I want to do. I have always wanted to write consistently, and so I have my blog and I am working on my novel when I can. I wanted to break the habit of feeling guilty about playing video games which I had fostered during my degrees. As such, I began streaming regularly and wanted to share my fun with others so started the YouTube channel. It is quite a lot of work, but it is all things I enjoy doing so at the same time it doesn't feel like work to me. 

For me, happiness comes down to the accumulation of the little things. From calling a friend or family member on my way home from work; to relishing creative outlets like writing or colouring. Making time to spend with friends playing games, board-games, Dungeons and Dragons. Getting out of the house regularly and not just for work. Experimenting with dishes from all different cultures, and reading and learning, listening to podcasts. All these moments come together like pieces of a puzzle that illustrate a life well lived. My life. Despite there being pieces missing, I am working to bring together a complete picture. The milestones I cross along the way act like the edge pieces, a framework to be filled and decorated with all the other little things. I am looking forward to improving the picture, making it brighter, and more beautiful than it has ever been before.